There is pain that runs so deep that not even the arms of your most loved ones serve to fully comfort it. Only the Lord could mend such broken heart. I remember the nights after losing Iris as the longest most painful nights of my life. I couldn’t sleep. My heart was consumed with grief and sorrow. I longed to hold her, to keep her, raise and her and watch her grow.
It’s been almost 12 years now that I was blessed with the most beautiful little angel. To a healthy 7 lb. 3 oz. baby girl; except that she was born sleeping. She was my first-born and I was completely devastated. It’s the hardest thing in world to walk into a hospital full of hopes and dreams for the baby you carry in your womb and leave with empty arms, empty dreams and a broken heart. Sometimes God allows things to happen that are not within our control. For some reason, he chose this for her and for me. My husband became such a strong tower in my life, only he knew how deeply I was hurting because he was hurting just as much. He’d hold me tight while I’d cry myself to sleep but no matter how much he tried to comfort me, I was inconsolable. The overwhelming feeling of grief, sadness, shock, disbelief, and even a strong sense of fault and regret consumed me. I found refuge in the arms of my heavenly Father. Most times I had no words, my prayer consisted solely of crying in His presence. I knelt at the foot of my bed and wept for hours on end. I’d walk into her fully decorated nursery and grab the tiny baby girl dresses that I had hanging in her closet and weep in the presence of God. I found comfort in my Father’s arms. But even in the midst of my grief there was peace. A peace that passed all understanding. (Phil 4:7) I felt God telling me time and time again to submit myself to His will because His ways were much greater.
“Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.” (Heb. 11:1)
I now have three beautiful healthy strong little ones that fill my life with so much happiness and joy! They are my greatest reward. When I look at them, I can hear God whispering into my ear, “Well done, good and faithful servant; in the little you were faithful, I will make you ruler over many things: enter into the joy of your Lord.” Keep your head strong and your heart focused on God and let Him lead you where He may. I can assure you, you will be blessed. My testimony now serves as a blessing to others and although I still feel pain when I think about my Iris, I know that Gods purpose for her in my life was much greater than I could have ever imagined! I’ll always miss never being able to hear her laugh or cry, never being able to hear her say her first word, take her first step, her first day of school, to watch her grow, but someday I will get to hold her again.
My children are so beautiful to me. On the days when I’m lost in the chaos that having three little ones can bring, I remind myself that I am blessed. I remember those long, dreary nights that I so desperately wanted to fill my arms with their presence and now I am rejoicing in this moment for my time has come! Keep your focus on God, He will see you through! Submit yourself to His complete will and watch His ultimate plan unfold in your life.
“God is my refuge and strength, an ever-present help in times of trouble.” (Psalms 46:1)
Mom of an angel,
Rosalinda Serna